One of my favourite places to be is the city.
Probably because I don’t live in a city. And we always seem to love or want what we don’t have. But regardless, I love it. The noise, the chaos, the traffic, the lights, the shops, the choice, the buildings. The city is very alive, its like it breathes and it leaves me buzzing. I suppose for an easily bored person, the city would call to me. There’s just so much to see, so much to explore; and because of that I am drawn to 17th ave in Calgary. If you’ve never been its a lovely street full of parks in the heart of the city. Its full of people busking, people eating, dog walkers, fancy cars, the homeless, hipsters, business folk; cafes and patios and one of a kind consignment stores and shops.
Each one is an adventure.
The trip was a quick one, but as fate would have it, just what I needed. I walked into a shop I had eyed up every time we drove down 17th, called Fallen Angel Creations from Above. There are two gemstone stores on 17th I know of and this one is my favourite, despite its smaller size and smaller selection; theres just a different ambiance in this place. I felt like I was being pulled from the street by a lasso of energy. Of course I couldn’t resist.
Mila and I scoured the small shop. Mila loved the mermaid decor on display, the hanging art and any crystal within reach. She wanted to explore upstairs, although there was nothing up there. I waited for her at the bottom, near a display of pendulums. Mila came down smiling.
“Hi Mommy! Look!” she exclaimed and I followed where her finger pointed. Beside me a pendulum was swinging near my head as if to say HEY TAKE ME HOME! The others were still, but this one, a dog tooth Amethyst was going crazy. I picked it up and held it, my hand was pulsing, almost aching, the cone swinging again, seemingly vibrating with energy.
Naturally, I bought it.
As I paid for my new, unexpected treasure the lady read my angel number.
You and your spiritually based career are supported in all ways by the angels.
Good to know, I thought. Especially when the night before I was begging for a sign to the question thats been burning inside of me for nearly two years, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!
I feel like I know what it is, but my mind is arguing that “it will never make money.” Or “thats ridiculous. get a real job. use what you went to school for. quit wasting money chasing silly dreams.”
And yet my heart, and my angels are saying why not, why not, why not?
I went home later, surrendering on the mat. I drug myself to my meditation pillow going through the motions of my little ritual. Incense lit, salt lamp ON, music playing, mala in hand. Inhale. Exhale Recite my mantra 108 times, finger slipping from bead to bead. Inhale. Exhale.
I then decided to pull my own card from my Archangel deck. Gentle shuffle. Which one is calling?
Your life purpose is triggering a blessed career change.
Okay. Long exhale. I get it.
And just like that I rest easy again. The Universe is always speaking to you, giving you signs and giving you direction if you ever feel lost. But for a long time I chose not to notice the signs, or follow them, or revere them as anything more than coincidence. Things still worked out of course. But my mind was wild and crazy, lost and frustrated until they did. Now knowing what I know and trusting in what I know; that I am supported, heard, and seen, I am at ease. So, it brings me to ask you, would you live differently if you knew you were being supported?
How differently would you dream if you knew you were being taken care of, and heard? How differently would you live if you knew you were being guided to the best experiences that were meant to nourish your soul, no matter how challenging they were? Would you trust a little more in that gut feeling, or the calm voice that tells you to surrender, let go of control, to just go for it?
I can certainly say I dream different. My dreams are much more vibrant and fearless. I get caught up at times in what my head is telling me, but I always find a way to turn back to love and listen to my heart. That is just a tiny miracle in all the miracles that make up my life. My only hope is the next time you find yourself wondering, or feeling alone, or questioning what to listen to I hope you remember the Universe is there for you, I hope you feel your intuition, I hope you hear your heart whispering. That you listen to that whisper and that you take a leap of faith because your heart is always right.
Instead of my usual Sunday self care routine of rest and relaxation bordering on laziness; I had something a little different going on. I had a child free day planned as I had a workshop in the city booked. I spent the morning with the littles and just after lunch I was rushing to the city. I got to the studio and when I went to open the door it was locked shut. I had this looming feeling something like this might happen in the days leading up…call it the pessimist in me, but I stood outside for a moment. Made a few phone calls. Looked around, mind racing, shrugged and decided to get a coffee at the shop down the street.
My mind wanted to tell me of course this would happen. Make a victim out of me. Make the worst out of the situation. Make a villain out of the studio and everyone involved. Once upon a time I would have agreed with my ego. But I have since learned better, I have since cultivated a new part of me. The positive me. The compassionate me. And therefore I made the best of it.
Its hard for me to say that I haven’t always been like this. But it is true. I was probably the unhappiest person I know, and it was completely my own doing. Sure. I have had some crappy circumstances, but these do not define me, and are no excuse for being compassionate or not. No matter the situation compassion is always the right response. It is always appropriate.
And by choosing compassion I automatically turned back to love, and chose happiness. Happiness is 100% a choice, not something your acquire, or obtain, or a status. Shitty stuff doesn’t just happen to good people, it happens to everyone. We have little control over these things. But we do have a choice in how we respond, interpret and act in response to the things that happen to us.
So choose love. Choose happy. Choose compassion.
I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to do the class. I had the ‘missing out,’ feeling. My mind was showing me snippets of what I thought was going on in the class and I didn’t want to be left out. But I felt in my heart that things would work out. I didn’t KNOW what had happened, that it had been cancelled, so how could I assume anything at all? But despite all of this disappointment I had fun.
I got my favourite latte from Starbucks, asked for a grande (medium) and got a venti (large.) I got some uber cute succulents for my indoor garden. I chatted with a shop owner of a neat vintage furniture store. I treated myself to new silky pyjamas and jeans from Aritzia. I even missed my kids. I caught myself cooing at babies in the mall and looking for my own to hug and hold. Thats when I knew my cup was full, that it was time to go home.
Which was a delightful feeling after the trying week we had. The whole weekend was restorative, although busy. It was full of fun adventures, with and without the children. The sun was shining and the days warm. We had mini donuts, balloons, morning walks and afternoon naps. The kids were really great, and although we miss Daddy dearly we have managed okay as he has been gone on a trip since last Friday.
I am hopeful for future workshops and delights. I am proud of my choice to see the positivity in the situation. I’m grateful for all the beauty in the moments of our days together this April weekend. I can’t wait to see what this next week will hold!
Wishing you all a wonderful start to your week and encourage you to find the positives in whatever you may face.
I finished Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert a few weeks back. I had to read it because it was everywhere. All over book stores and Instagram, it was like it was shouting at me READ ME!! So I did, and I wasn’t disappointed.
It is full of little anecdotes and wonderful quotes all equally capable in giving you a Holy Shit Moment where you have these sudden epiphanies where everything makes sense or you are hit with intense inspiration. And it was in the final pages of the book that my Holy Shit Moment happened; and I discovered the exact reason that book had been screaming at me for so long.
You see, I have been struggling with finding a ‘passion.’ Something that makes me tick, that makes me forget to sleep, eat and pee. Which is strange, because I have almost always been immersed in something; researching, reading, inquiring, eat, sleep, breathing something that has interested me. So much so, I would say it could be labelled a passion. So to find myself on the other side of all of this feeling stuck and unsure and even worse, questioning whether something is worthy of a pursuit because GASP, what if it ISN’T my passion?…well, the following from Elizabeth Gilbert has been the answer.
“We are constantly being told to pursue our passions in life, but there are times when passion is a TALL ORDER, and really hard to reach. In seasons of confusion, of loss, of boredom, of insecurity, of distraction, the idea of “passion” can feel completely inaccessible and impossible…
But curiosity, I have found, is always within reach.
Passion is a tower of flame, but curiosity is a tiny tap on the shoulder — a little whisper in the ear that says, “Hey, that’s kind of interesting…
Passion is rare; curiosity is everyday.
Curiosity is therefore a lot easier to reach at at times than full-on passion — and the stakes are lower, easier to manage…
The trick is to just follow your small moments of curiosity…
Keep doing that, and I promise you: The curiosity will eventually lead you to the passion…”
As soon as I shift my perspective from the intensity of the word passion to curiosity, I relax. I’m curious about a lot of stuff. Photography. Writing. Blogging. Baking. Gardening. Crystals. The French language. Yoga. Kid/baby development psychology stuff. Fashion. Interior design. You name it, I’ve got lots of interests. But I never felt they were worthy to be a passion, or to be a career, or to really pursue with the intensity you would a passion. Mostly because of fear, or the fear of investing money into something I didn’t deeply love. Or because it didn’t relate to the other stuff I’m in to. Or. Or. Or.
However, now with that tidbit of information I am pursuing each curiosity I have. All at a pace that they demand. Some are hungry, and so I pursue them more furiously. Others, slow and steady so I answer with gentleness and ease. But each are leading me to what is next, what will make me stop and say “this is what makes me tick, this is IT.”
Ie. Passion. Purpose.
And that, dear reader, is Magic. I hope wherever this finds you that you breathe easier after reading this. I hope you pursue whatever sparks your curiosity now, and unapologetically at that. I hope you pick up your camera or paints or shovels and create something beautiful. Just because you can. Just because I believe in your ability to create and believe you were born to make beautiful things. Just know I am rooting for you.
wearing California Moonrise
“One is never over dressed or underdressed with a Little Black Dress.”
A little black dress was something I only recently acquired for my ever growing wardrobe. A pity because its a wardrobe staple. But not surprising because for so long my wardrobe was almost embarrassing and did not consist of anything as feminine as chiffon, cashmere or gasp, a dress. Dresses have now become something I gravitate to, like a bee to honey. So when I felt I had found the perfect one I didn’t hesitate to snatch it up. It is from Artizia, I’m unsure what season, as I got it second hand. Its a Wilfred dress with a lovely back cut out. Its modest, just above the knee, a little skin but not much. Dress it up, down, perfectly timeless.
I loved this dress. It was bought to go to a ball I never even attended. Which is a shame. Because I think clothes are more than just fabric. They often tell a story, and I feel slowly over time the stitches are filled with the energy of these times you spent in them. And I think that Ball would have been a wonderful chapter to add to the black fabric .
This dress now, sadly, has become my least favourite article of clothing in my closet. Because the stitches are filled with sorrow, and tears cried because of lives cut short. It has inadvertently become my funeral dress.
2016 has been filled with a lot of death for me. I’ve had to skip funerals I should have attended because my heart just can’t take another one. I despise the collection of funeral announcement cards stacking within my nightstand drawer. I know we all have to die. I know we don’t really get to decide when. But it still is insufferable at times.
I am wearing this dress, one more time tomorrow. And I honestly hope to never wear it again. It has become heavy. Simply too heavy to wear again.
dress (old) Aritzia
We went to the mall this Sunday, as a family, instead of our usual pancakes, wooly socks and cartoons. It was a nice change, although exhausting, as it usually is with kids at the mall on a weekend. We did the usual Costco run and picked up some new summer clothes. As Justin was trying on yet another golf shirt I flipped through maxi dresses and looked up when I heard my name being called and saw an old friend, who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend’s dad.
We did the usual catching up. He awwh’d over the kids and held Asher. He remarried, and had another child too. We talked about work and life and whatnot and then said goodbye.
As the rest of the day progressed I began to think about that relationship. It was the worst break-up I had ever experienced, his son broke my heart into about 8 million little pieces over a Facebook message in the wee hours of the morning. I was young and in love. The worst of it for me was since I had known him and his family for most of my life, I felt like I had lost more than just a boyfriend. I had lost my second family. I had lost a relationship with his dad, and mom. His dad and I would go to eat to pass the time if my boyfriend was working. He read my tarot cards, we traded books to read. He gifted me some of my most prized books in my possession. And most importantly he introduced me to Mindfulness.
I remember feeling relieved when everything was said and done though. As the initial shock and wave of sorrow ebbed away, I could feel my intuition saying this was indeed for the better. That he was not what was best for my soul, for my growth, for my life. I had felt trapped before it had really even started. The fear of hurting any one gripped me. I hated hurting people. And his words of “Everyone always breaks MY heart. I’m ALWAYS the one who finishes last” rang in my head. I did not want to be the villain. So I dealt with things that bothered me, things that I knew inside were not right. I couldn’t say no. But as always, the Universe has a plan and works things out for you.
So back at the mall, as I walked away and sipped my latte I felt this gross feeling welling up inside me that was…sorrow? hurt? taco time? I’m unsure. But I felt terrible; as if though stitches had been opened on a wound I had long forgotten about. The kids chased one another at the little play place and I just couldn’t stop thinking of the hurt I had endured. So I did what any self-respecting yogi would do mid-freak out and I sat and meditated.
Thank you Universe, for taking the time to hear me out on this. I think I need some help getting through this, if you could guide me to what will serve me best as I navigate through this time, I’d really appreciate that..thank you and as always, I trust you..
I breathed in deeply.
DUDE, ITS BEEN SIX YEARS, WHY ARENT YOU OVER THIS? said ego.
Oh hey Ego thanks for tagging along (not), well..I am over it. It’s not tha-
THEN WHY IS THIS EVEN BOTHERING YOU?
Sigh. I don’t know, thats why I am meditating, hellooo?…I guess I want…closure?
WHAT DO YOU WANT? AN APOLOGY? MAN, WHAT AN ASSHOLE HE WAS! I CANT BELIEVE HE DIDNT EVEN SAY I’M SORRY. REMEMBER THAT TIME–
I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to interject here, is this really about an apology? Would that really fix this? said my Inner Guide. What is this REALLY about?
And ego rambled on and on about how shitty he was and all he ever did wrong (of course it never is ALL bad). And Mindful Me let Ego natter, all while I got honest with myself, and asked what this all was REALLY about.
And what it was really about was the fact sometimes Ego just likes me to keep playing the victim. The sad, broken, used and abused nice guy, who got hurt. The martyr. That way I stay separate. I replay the same situation over and over because of fear. I don’t say no. And I never get to experience the happiness of the moment in fear that it MIGHT happen again.
Yeah, the hurt did happen. It sucked. I felt like he ripped my heart out and kicked it around a little before handing it back. I have validated that. I have also accepted that was as far as that journey was supposed to go, and I have been willing to move on. Clearly, by dating and marrying and birthing beautiful babies and not once missing the relationship that never came to be.
Yet still, sometimes ego wants to victimize me and blame my ex. So how do you break the cycle?
As I sat in stillness, a quote I love surfaced.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
I see my wound, clearly, gaping, pulsing, bleeding. I begin to see all that has come to me because of that experience. I see all my growth, I am now an unrecognizable soul. I see the opportunities presented to me by the Universe; chances I took in order to take a step towards my better self. I see the mentor in the tormentor; the one who made me so uncomfortable I had to shed my skin. I see the birth of a new person.
So I celebrate that. The beauty within the pain. As I celebrate, and honour, and extend my gratitude to everyone involved including my ex; the voice of ego gets softer. Ego and love cannot coexist, and love is alway, always stronger.
My eyes open, my mind is quiet.
The light enters the wound, may it fill my heart;
and so it is.